Remember when clowns were fun? Exactly, never. They’re the single scariest thing in the world. And this isn’t even talking about the made-to-be-scary clowns, I’m talking the regular “give him 20 bucks to do a thing with balloons at Timmy’s birthday party” clowns. It’s no wonder coulrophobia, the fear of clowns, is such a common thing. I’d hate to see the day science catches up with my nightmares and creates spider clowns.
Of course Hollywood, as it does, is fully aware of this clown fear. It was only a matter of time before we were flooded with psycho killer clowns, and look where we are today in the 2016th year of baby Jesus. People are no longer just scared of clowns, they’re being conditioned to be scared of them. I mean, why take a regular killer if you can give him make-up, a happy face and a red nose. That’ll scare everyone.
There’s even this thing going on right now where people in different parts of the world are running around like creepy as fuck clowns, scaring the living bajeezus out of anyone blessed enough to cross their path. Literally all over the world. Why? Because the clown uprising was bound to happen, and we all thought we wouldn’t live to see the day.
The one thing we do know is that the entire creepy clown thing started on the silver screen. So the next time someone wants to watch something with clowns in it and you really hate that bastard’s guts, try these for a change.
10. Pennywise (IT, 1990)
You can’t say “scary clown” without saying “Pennywise”. Well, you can, technically. This guy is pretty much a clown, with a true form that’s a giant spider, that can transform into the thing you fear the most. Y’know, in case the thing you feared the most wasn’t a serial killer clown that’s actually a giant spider.
9. The Joker (Batman: The Animated Series)
The animated series Joker is the best Joker because it’s voiced by Mark Hamill, also known as Luke Skywalker. The signature laugh alone is enough to make you realize that this is one crazy s.o.b. Also, he thoroughly enjoys shooting people.
8. Twisty (American Horror Story: Freak Show, 2014)
Twisty was actually a baby that fell on his head, which led to minor mental disability. He also blew off the lower half of his jaw in an attempted suicide-by-shotgun-blast. He also looks like he’s not a very good loser from the FIFA games.
7. Captain Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses, 2003)
You can bet your ass that if Rob Zombie would ever make an original horror movie, it would have a redneck, psychopathic clown in it. World, meet Captain Spaulding.
6. Zombieland Clown (Zombieland, 2009)
While this zombie didn’t last long in the Zombieland movie, it’s a clown zombie so it’s instantly twice as scary and only half as fun as its separate counterparts.
5. Billy (Saw, 2004)
Do you want to play a game? No, little clown doll man, I do not. Roll on your tricycle of death. Get someone else to chop their foot off with a hacksaw.
4. Poltergeist Clown Doll (Poltergeist, 1982)
What’s scarier than a clown doll? A clown doll possessed by a goddamn poltergeist, that’s what. Dayum.
3. Ronald McDonald
Seriously, first iterations of Ronald McDonald were probably the inspiration for 90% of the other creepy clowns. Also, he kills millions of people by feeding them deliciously unhealthy burgers.
2. Krusty The Clown (The Simpsons)
I can hear you thinking that Krusty isn’t scary. He’s a washed out, chain-smoking, alcoholic middle-aged man that’s hiding his midlife crisis troubles behind laughter and make-up. Give him a dress and he’s pretty much every drag queen you can find at the bar on a Thursday night. And those people are scary as hell.
1. Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)
Hurrah, alien clowns! I knew you had it in you, Hollywood! These guys go down when you shoot them on the nose. It might not be the best script for a movie, but at least it’s original!